Archive for October, 2009

There are days when I want to change my name, go deaf, blind, and run away. Spork out my ears, hide in a closet and cry, instead of hear, “Mom. Mama. Mom. Mommy. Mama. Hey, Mom. Mom. Mooooooooommmm!” one more time. I literally sometimes feel like there are times when I legitimately fear that my logical mind is gone for good. (See? That didn’t even make sense. Sanity and all brain lated functions not pertaining to the Jonas Brothers (for Hannah) and Twilight (for me) is long gone.)

I don’t know that I ever truly understood how serious motherhood is, how PERMANENT, until I was waist deep in the trenches. I’m not talking about the newborn baby love and amazement, where you somehow survive on coffee and Maury Povich paternity test re-runs instead of sleep. I’m talking the REAL DEAL… tantruming child in the grocery store, having to remove yourself from a public place while people who should understand look at you in disgust, freaking about school systems, or Swine Flu, or ballet lessons… Or worrying about your daughter tagging behind the big kids, and trying to fit in. And I imagine that I’ll never stop worrying. Ever.

If I had known the 8,312,523 things that I would freak out about on any given day, I don’t know that I would have done it. I don’t know that I would have been brave enough, and maybe that’s why during Hannah’s terrible two’s, there were only a handful of people that would admit that they’d been there-done that. Or why when we announced our pregnancy with her, my (normally blunt) sister just nodded. Because SHE FREAKING KNEW. And because if mom’s talked about the hardships openly, without being able to reap the benefits at the same time, would anyone in their right mind pro-create?!?

But, thank God no one sat me down and told me how much I’d have to worry about. Or how stressful or mundane some of my days would seem to be… Because, I’m crazy amazed at my life. This sassy little girl, laying up in her bed, playing DS, yelling to me about how I should invest in a kitchen remodel from cupcake decor to roosters – She’s MINE. She makes me laugh, and smile, shake my head in amazement and sometimes shock (not to be confused with noddin‘ my head like “yeah”). Sometimes I see so much of DH and I in her that I want to scream giggle. And I usually do scream giggle.

So, I get it now. Why no one told me how sleepless my nights would be… How stressful the days could run…How every cough or sniffle would keep me awake… How deeply “I HATE YOU” could cut, even when you know they don’t mean it.

Because the rewards are amazing.

Breathtaking, wonderful, astounding, flabbergasting.

Being a mother is God’s biggest blessing to my life. And I’m forever thankful, humbled, and sometimes taken aback with how much love, responsibility, and joy God placed on a silver platter for me in the form of my baby girl. It ain’t easy, and it for sure isn’t for wimps but my God, it’s wonderful.


Read Full Post »